We are getting really close to a reunion now. I have to say that outside of the few times I have blogged, I haven't had to cry much. That just isn't me.
However, I am ready to cry at the drop of a hat right now. I know we are nearly done, at least for now, and I am ready for this to be over. This is the first leg of a long trip to come with this squadron, and I need to get at least this part over, to be able to feel like we can do this. I know my husband will be deployed a lot over the next few years, leading right up to his retirement. So, being able to do this, now, at this stage of our lives, is a huge deal.
I am ready to be reunited, even with the stresses that presents itself. I am ready to have him be a part of the day to day again, even if he will be gone from us far too soon. I want my husband back. I need him to be here for us, for me. I am ready.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Like a Bad Dance
Getting ready for homecoming feels like a bad dance. You know, once of those dances that has its own special song, all about the dance, that even tells you what steps to take.
One step forward. Two Steps back. Now everybody Hop!
That kind of thing.
Except ours goes:
Everybody slide your plans one day to the right. Now back Two days to the left. Jump forward three hours. Now every body scream!
Yeah. This is a pain. An ill choreographed pain.
One step forward. Two Steps back. Now everybody Hop!
That kind of thing.
Except ours goes:
Everybody slide your plans one day to the right. Now back Two days to the left. Jump forward three hours. Now every body scream!
Yeah. This is a pain. An ill choreographed pain.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
So much closer
We are getting so much closer to the end. I am nearly into counting days instead of weeks, and I can't wait for that! Right now, the girls and I mark off one week at a time on the calendar, but, I think after this weekend, I am going to move that down to marking off every two days. We are still a little far out for a daily count down, but this would be a nice bump for us!
I am so ready for my husband to come home, it is ridiculous. I'm ready to hand back over control of so many little things, let alone having someone to help with the kids. I want to quit taking out the trash. That would be great. More than anything, though, I hate car stuff, and I can't wait to have him home to take care of it. In fact, I really need my oil changed, and yes I am well aware of the fact that I can take it to Wal-Mart and have them change it while I shop, but that isn't the point. I want him to get back and take care of it for me.
Ahhh..never take your spouse and all the little things for granted.
I am so ready for my husband to come home, it is ridiculous. I'm ready to hand back over control of so many little things, let alone having someone to help with the kids. I want to quit taking out the trash. That would be great. More than anything, though, I hate car stuff, and I can't wait to have him home to take care of it. In fact, I really need my oil changed, and yes I am well aware of the fact that I can take it to Wal-Mart and have them change it while I shop, but that isn't the point. I want him to get back and take care of it for me.
Ahhh..never take your spouse and all the little things for granted.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Change in Title
I have come to the realization that I am very ready to start a new chapter in my life. I want to be a retiree's wife. I know I still have another 3 years, but man do I have short timer's attitude. I'm not if I can maintain for the next 3 years!
Monday, May 11, 2009
A Date!
We have a date!
We were finally given a homecoming date! This has been a ridiculous ride as far as finding out when our loved ones will be home. We were going on a 4 month window for homecoming. Yes! It was actually going to be anywhere from June to September, but thankfully, we got it narrowed down.
Now, this date isn't st in stone, but it is as concrete as anything within the military can be. I fully expect it to slide a day or two as they progress a little more or a little less, but still, it give us something to finally count down to!
And, it feels like a weight has been lifted.
I am beyond excited.
We were finally given a homecoming date! This has been a ridiculous ride as far as finding out when our loved ones will be home. We were going on a 4 month window for homecoming. Yes! It was actually going to be anywhere from June to September, but thankfully, we got it narrowed down.
Now, this date isn't st in stone, but it is as concrete as anything within the military can be. I fully expect it to slide a day or two as they progress a little more or a little less, but still, it give us something to finally count down to!
And, it feels like a weight has been lifted.
I am beyond excited.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Now is not the time
When you have been deployed for 3.5 months,
When your wife has been at home alone with 2 children, ages 5 and 2,
When she has only hired a baby sitter two times in those 3.5 months,
And has been without a break for over 2 months,
When she is at her wits end and ready to snap,
That is not the time to tell her that you want to re-enlist and stay in the military for another 3 years.
Not the time.
When your wife has been at home alone with 2 children, ages 5 and 2,
When she has only hired a baby sitter two times in those 3.5 months,
And has been without a break for over 2 months,
When she is at her wits end and ready to snap,
That is not the time to tell her that you want to re-enlist and stay in the military for another 3 years.
Not the time.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Just a note
I want to make sure everyone who reads this knows not to take me too seriously about a lot of things. I kid. I tease. I like to have fun. I like to write bad poetry to make fun of stupid things and have a laugh. I hope you do too.
Ode to the Rumor Mill
Blasted Rumor Mill why do you churn?
Though dark of night,
And wind too fierce,
Never you stop moving,
Never you stop producing.
In times of fair sun,
And mornings bright,
Your blasted churning seems to break the light.
You produce too much.
You work too hard.
For your successes are our falters.
Your work is our transgression,
And it never seems to be done.
Oh, dreaded Rumor Mill,
We besiege you now to stop.
Give us but a moment of silence,
A bit of peace to rest our ears,
So that at last we can hear the truth.
Though dark of night,
And wind too fierce,
Never you stop moving,
Never you stop producing.
In times of fair sun,
And mornings bright,
Your blasted churning seems to break the light.
You produce too much.
You work too hard.
For your successes are our falters.
Your work is our transgression,
And it never seems to be done.
Oh, dreaded Rumor Mill,
We besiege you now to stop.
Give us but a moment of silence,
A bit of peace to rest our ears,
So that at last we can hear the truth.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Too Many Thoughts
Can't sleep and can't lay still.
Too much to think about, and nothing to do about it.
I think about the little ones and how I am raising them alone.
At least for now, though he is with me in spirit.
Every day they get bigger, in mind and body.
Every day they change, by word and deed.
She doesn't need her paci any more.
Soon there will be no diapers.
She can read on her own now.
She doesn't even ask for a bedtime story, but just a book to read.
How much more will he miss, in order to achieve his goals?
How much more will I sit and think, without being able to lay still?
Too much to think about, and nothing to do about it.
I think about the little ones and how I am raising them alone.
At least for now, though he is with me in spirit.
Every day they get bigger, in mind and body.
Every day they change, by word and deed.
She doesn't need her paci any more.
Soon there will be no diapers.
She can read on her own now.
She doesn't even ask for a bedtime story, but just a book to read.
How much more will he miss, in order to achieve his goals?
How much more will I sit and think, without being able to lay still?
Saturday, April 25, 2009
New trend in posts.
I feel like I want to do things a little differently here. I tend to write long blog posts on my main blog. Here, I think I just want to share, vent, etc. I think my posting style will change, be a little shorter, and more pointed. Maybe this way I can post more here with out feeling like I really need to write a lot. I could use a good place to vent.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
When I really need him...
In the relationship between my husband and I, there are some things, duties, or jobs that very clearly belong to one or the other of us.
He takes care of the vehicles.
I take care of electronics, all computers and repairs included.
I do most of the cleaning.
He takes care of all plumbing issues. Most generally these issues involve plunging the toilet which is almost always his fault to begin with, but he does take care of my hair clogged drains as well.
See, we have it all worked out like that.
One very important role, is that he is absolutely to take care of all nuisance in the form or bugs, rodents, or otherwise un named icky stuff.
It is with that role I have a problem today.
There is mouse, trapped in my garage, on one of those sticky traps.
I don't deal well with mice. Not well at all. In fact, the moment I saw it, and realized what I was seeing, i fled the scene. I don't just mean I turn around and walked out, but I mean that I beat feet, left my trash laying in the garage, and got the hay up out of there. I would imagine that animators could have used my real life action scene to vividly create a great new Scooby Doo and Shaggy scene.
Anywho, the mouse is still there, because I don't do mice. I don't. I just can't. Now, I imagine that it will need to be taken care of before he comes home. I'm thinking that I'm going to have to beg a favor of a friends. That, or if some random husband happens to walk out, I plan on asking very sweetly if they can help me. I'll even barter with cookies and brownies. I just need it taken care of before I can go back in there.
Please. Someone help.
He takes care of the vehicles.
I take care of electronics, all computers and repairs included.
I do most of the cleaning.
He takes care of all plumbing issues. Most generally these issues involve plunging the toilet which is almost always his fault to begin with, but he does take care of my hair clogged drains as well.
See, we have it all worked out like that.
One very important role, is that he is absolutely to take care of all nuisance in the form or bugs, rodents, or otherwise un named icky stuff.
It is with that role I have a problem today.
There is mouse, trapped in my garage, on one of those sticky traps.
I don't deal well with mice. Not well at all. In fact, the moment I saw it, and realized what I was seeing, i fled the scene. I don't just mean I turn around and walked out, but I mean that I beat feet, left my trash laying in the garage, and got the hay up out of there. I would imagine that animators could have used my real life action scene to vividly create a great new Scooby Doo and Shaggy scene.
Anywho, the mouse is still there, because I don't do mice. I don't. I just can't. Now, I imagine that it will need to be taken care of before he comes home. I'm thinking that I'm going to have to beg a favor of a friends. That, or if some random husband happens to walk out, I plan on asking very sweetly if they can help me. I'll even barter with cookies and brownies. I just need it taken care of before I can go back in there.
Please. Someone help.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
48/300 = ???
Now, I have to admit, my math skills aren't greatest. I wasn't fond of math in school, and by choice, never applied myself to it.
I however, can do some simple math, and realize that some numbers we were given don't quite add up.
We were just told that we can now schedule a Video Teleconference (VTC) with our spouse.
At this time, and as far as I know for the entire deployment, there are going to be 48 slots open for our command, on 3 different days, one day each of the next few months.
Now, my husband's command has a few hundred people in it. They gave us 48 slots.
So, only a very, very small percentage of the families will actually be able to see and talk to their spouses.
I am pretty upset. I am upset that we may not get a slot, and I am upset for all of the families that won't get a slot, because most of us won't.
I can only hope right now that we are given one of the slots. It is first come first, first served, but our spouses have to be the ones to request the slots. So, I have absolutely no control over getting us in. I can only hope and pray that my husband gets in line first.
I would love to be able to talk to him. I would even take my daughter out of school just to go to the teleconference so that both girls can chat with Daddy. We miss him so much.
Please, please, babe, be fast today, and get this done for us.
I however, can do some simple math, and realize that some numbers we were given don't quite add up.
We were just told that we can now schedule a Video Teleconference (VTC) with our spouse.
At this time, and as far as I know for the entire deployment, there are going to be 48 slots open for our command, on 3 different days, one day each of the next few months.
Now, my husband's command has a few hundred people in it. They gave us 48 slots.
So, only a very, very small percentage of the families will actually be able to see and talk to their spouses.
I am pretty upset. I am upset that we may not get a slot, and I am upset for all of the families that won't get a slot, because most of us won't.
I can only hope right now that we are given one of the slots. It is first come first, first served, but our spouses have to be the ones to request the slots. So, I have absolutely no control over getting us in. I can only hope and pray that my husband gets in line first.
I would love to be able to talk to him. I would even take my daughter out of school just to go to the teleconference so that both girls can chat with Daddy. We miss him so much.
Please, please, babe, be fast today, and get this done for us.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Tell Me, Or Don't
Ugg.
Deployments are frustrating. From get to go, top to bottom, they are frustrating, just because of what they are.
I think one of the most frustrating things is the lack of knowledge. While I may have general idea of what my husband is doing, and very general idea of where he is, there isn't much that we can be told. For those who aren't in the know, we call it opsec, Operational Security. You can't ask questions, and they can't tell you anything. Just like I can't tell anything that I do know online. It would jeopardize their safety. I get that, completely, and know going in that it will be frustrating, but that we will just have to do our best to communicate.
However, when your spouse makes them even more frustrating, by telling you cryptic things that you can't figure out, it will drive you insane. My husband has gotten really bad about doing this. Almost every time we talk, he tells me that he has something he wants to tell me, but he can't.
Now what am I supposed to do with that?
Get frustrated and mad. That is what I do with that.
I understand that he wants to talk. I do, too. However, telling me things that can only lead my head to worry, is not a good way to try and talk.
I finally laid it out for him. You either tell me something, or you don't. Don't tell me you did something really cool, but say that you can't do anything else about it. Don't tell me things have changed, but not what things.
You either lay it all out, or you leave me blissfully in the dark.
One or the other.
I don't need additional frustration coming from your desire to share. I keep the fact that I don't sleep or how much I can't sleep, how much of a pain things are, or how difficult things have been to myself to keep you from worrying about us, please have the courtesy to do the same.
Thanks.
Deployments are frustrating. From get to go, top to bottom, they are frustrating, just because of what they are.
I think one of the most frustrating things is the lack of knowledge. While I may have general idea of what my husband is doing, and very general idea of where he is, there isn't much that we can be told. For those who aren't in the know, we call it opsec, Operational Security. You can't ask questions, and they can't tell you anything. Just like I can't tell anything that I do know online. It would jeopardize their safety. I get that, completely, and know going in that it will be frustrating, but that we will just have to do our best to communicate.
However, when your spouse makes them even more frustrating, by telling you cryptic things that you can't figure out, it will drive you insane. My husband has gotten really bad about doing this. Almost every time we talk, he tells me that he has something he wants to tell me, but he can't.
Now what am I supposed to do with that?
Get frustrated and mad. That is what I do with that.
I understand that he wants to talk. I do, too. However, telling me things that can only lead my head to worry, is not a good way to try and talk.
I finally laid it out for him. You either tell me something, or you don't. Don't tell me you did something really cool, but say that you can't do anything else about it. Don't tell me things have changed, but not what things.
You either lay it all out, or you leave me blissfully in the dark.
One or the other.
I don't need additional frustration coming from your desire to share. I keep the fact that I don't sleep or how much I can't sleep, how much of a pain things are, or how difficult things have been to myself to keep you from worrying about us, please have the courtesy to do the same.
Thanks.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Time Get Tough
Emotionally, there are times when you just need your spouse. Right now I do, but I don't have him. There are far too many little things that keep popping up in my life, that make me want to pull my hair out. Not just that our little one isn't behaving well. It seems like every here I turn, something else is trying to drive me insane. My oldest daughter's school is a joke. I get so frustrated with them, and things that go on there. Today, I wanted to jump up and beat a mother down for the way she was acting toward her daughter, and our entire Girl Scout troop. My best friend has formally got engaged yesterday, and is getting married in 5 weeks. She wants me to come in and be her matron of honor, at great financial burden to our family. The friggin' headlight on my car went out. My husband's mom called to say his grandmother isn't doing well, and is in the hospital again. So much more, but you get the idea.
I need someone to hug me, and tell me we will get through it all, and things will be ok, but he isn't here. This is when it is hard. Were only a week in, and already, my stress level is ridiculous. It isn't as though we could have planned for this stuff. And it isn't as though her could magically fix things if he were here, but he would make me feel better.
I know we will get through it. I know we will all survive, but that doesn't make it any easier to be happy right now. I'll just have to settle for the fact that I know he is out there, somewhere, missing me as much as I miss him, and that he would do anything he could to make it better, if he were here. I know I am loved, no matter where he is...
Is it too cheesy to post this?
Right now, it helps me. I hope it helps someone else feel better, too.
I need someone to hug me, and tell me we will get through it all, and things will be ok, but he isn't here. This is when it is hard. Were only a week in, and already, my stress level is ridiculous. It isn't as though we could have planned for this stuff. And it isn't as though her could magically fix things if he were here, but he would make me feel better.
I know we will get through it. I know we will all survive, but that doesn't make it any easier to be happy right now. I'll just have to settle for the fact that I know he is out there, somewhere, missing me as much as I miss him, and that he would do anything he could to make it better, if he were here. I know I am loved, no matter where he is...
Is it too cheesy to post this?
Right now, it helps me. I hope it helps someone else feel better, too.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
One Week Down!
WE made it through our first week! I am really excited to be able to measure the time in any increment larger than a day. Every little thing helps.
This past week has been both better and worse than expected. For the girls, it was also a mixed week. Lilly has done really well. She has done a lot better than I expected her to. She cries every now and then. Random things can make her cry. Sometimes, things that I expect her to start bawling over have no bearing on her tear ducts, though. It is good. We hug and I talk to her each time. She reads the emails that Daddy writes to just the girls with me. So, she is getting some communication with him. All in all, I think she is doing very well.
Ava, on the other hand, is as usual the complete opposite of her sister. Not only did her Dad just leave, but she happens to be hitting the terrible twos at the same time. Yeah for me. I knew we would have problems when he left. After all, she is absolutely a daddy's girl. However, I don't think I was prepared for just how bad some of it was going to get. The first 48 hours were trial by fire with her. We had 2 full on temper tantrums, complete with ear splitting screaming, body arching making it impossible to move her, kicking, and the whole bit. There were at least 2 full meals flipped onto the floor, and all over her in once case.
No matter what happened, though, we are through a week. That is an accomplishment. I am happy. I look forward to the point were we get to start counting months down, versus weeks.
This past week has been both better and worse than expected. For the girls, it was also a mixed week. Lilly has done really well. She has done a lot better than I expected her to. She cries every now and then. Random things can make her cry. Sometimes, things that I expect her to start bawling over have no bearing on her tear ducts, though. It is good. We hug and I talk to her each time. She reads the emails that Daddy writes to just the girls with me. So, she is getting some communication with him. All in all, I think she is doing very well.
Ava, on the other hand, is as usual the complete opposite of her sister. Not only did her Dad just leave, but she happens to be hitting the terrible twos at the same time. Yeah for me. I knew we would have problems when he left. After all, she is absolutely a daddy's girl. However, I don't think I was prepared for just how bad some of it was going to get. The first 48 hours were trial by fire with her. We had 2 full on temper tantrums, complete with ear splitting screaming, body arching making it impossible to move her, kicking, and the whole bit. There were at least 2 full meals flipped onto the floor, and all over her in once case.
No matter what happened, though, we are through a week. That is an accomplishment. I am happy. I look forward to the point were we get to start counting months down, versus weeks.
Monday, January 19, 2009
It will be better than this...
We aren't starting off well. I would generally consider myself to be a tough enough kinda chic. I can take care of my self, and my girls. However, things are gonna have to get a little better or I'm going to be taking care of us bald, having pulled all of my hair out.
I swear the moment he left, my girls have gone nuts. Well, the big one isn't too bad. In all honestly, she is being pretty good about things. A few random crying spells here and there, but nothing I can't handle.
The little one, though, is determined to send me to the nut house. In 24 hours, we have had 2 and a half meals sent straight to the ground. At least 2 major temper tantrums, the 2 year old ear splitting variety, complete with kicking and screaming, and a bout of dare devilness that nearly sent me over the edge.
In all honesty, if she doesn't get better, I don't know what I will do.
I think she will. I think and hope that she will start to adjust quickly. There will be some tough love in the process, but also lots and lots of regular love. I know she needs that, especially right now.
So, it will get better. It will. One day at a time. Sad, I already sound like I am in recovery, and she hasn't even pushed me there yet. ; )
I swear the moment he left, my girls have gone nuts. Well, the big one isn't too bad. In all honestly, she is being pretty good about things. A few random crying spells here and there, but nothing I can't handle.
The little one, though, is determined to send me to the nut house. In 24 hours, we have had 2 and a half meals sent straight to the ground. At least 2 major temper tantrums, the 2 year old ear splitting variety, complete with kicking and screaming, and a bout of dare devilness that nearly sent me over the edge.
In all honesty, if she doesn't get better, I don't know what I will do.
I think she will. I think and hope that she will start to adjust quickly. There will be some tough love in the process, but also lots and lots of regular love. I know she needs that, especially right now.
So, it will get better. It will. One day at a time. Sad, I already sound like I am in recovery, and she hasn't even pushed me there yet. ; )
Sunday, January 18, 2009
I got an email!
Yeah!!! We got an email from him already. His email address isn't working, but a friend let him use his account to send us a quick note. I am thrilled!!
It was just a little note to say hi, and tell us that he misses us. It tells me that he made it on ship ok, though, and that is something I needed to hear.
Now we have to wait for our first phone call! I could use that anytime.
It was just a little note to say hi, and tell us that he misses us. It tells me that he made it on ship ok, though, and that is something I needed to hear.
Now we have to wait for our first phone call! I could use that anytime.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
The Deed is Done
We just got home from seeing him off.
Man, was that hard. I mean, I knew it would be hard, I have done this before, but never with kids old enough to really show emotion. Our oldest is 5 1/2. She was very upset, and rightly so. The thing is, now I can't be the one upset. I have to be the one to hold her, and comfort her, when in reality, I need to be held and comforted. That is Chad's job, and he is gone.
So, here I sit, trying as hard as I can to hold it all in. I'll have to wait until tonight, when the girls are asleep, to really cry it out. Not to say that a few tears haven't escaped already, but they were well hidden, and quiet ones. Tonight won't be the same. I know there will be a few nights like tonight, where I cry until I just can't cry anymore. It is ok. It is part of the process.
Part of me wishes my friends were reading this blog, even though I didn't tell them about it. I hope they understand why I don't answer their calls, or read their emails for a day or so. I need to take time to let my walls build up. I need to detach myself from the hurt and loneliness. Until I do, I am a time bomb waiting to go off, and a sympathetic and caring ear would certainly light that fuse. So, in a day or so, I will tell them all I am fine. I will mean that.
It will be ok. I really will. I can make it. I can do this. I think I can, I think I can......
Man, was that hard. I mean, I knew it would be hard, I have done this before, but never with kids old enough to really show emotion. Our oldest is 5 1/2. She was very upset, and rightly so. The thing is, now I can't be the one upset. I have to be the one to hold her, and comfort her, when in reality, I need to be held and comforted. That is Chad's job, and he is gone.
So, here I sit, trying as hard as I can to hold it all in. I'll have to wait until tonight, when the girls are asleep, to really cry it out. Not to say that a few tears haven't escaped already, but they were well hidden, and quiet ones. Tonight won't be the same. I know there will be a few nights like tonight, where I cry until I just can't cry anymore. It is ok. It is part of the process.
Part of me wishes my friends were reading this blog, even though I didn't tell them about it. I hope they understand why I don't answer their calls, or read their emails for a day or so. I need to take time to let my walls build up. I need to detach myself from the hurt and loneliness. Until I do, I am a time bomb waiting to go off, and a sympathetic and caring ear would certainly light that fuse. So, in a day or so, I will tell them all I am fine. I will mean that.
It will be ok. I really will. I can make it. I can do this. I think I can, I think I can......
Friday, January 16, 2009
The Weight of It All
Deployment brings with it a long list of negatives. For me, as well as many others, that list includes anxiety, stress, and a bit of depression. The anxiety and stress are really starting to wear me down. In fact, they are beginning to have physical manifestations. Of course the first was the acne. It is terrible. I hate zits anyway, and now, it looks like I am farming them, with a great looking crop popping up for this season. = (
The worst physical manifestation, though, is this weight I feel in my chest. It could be gas build up, or something else, but I think it is really just a symptom of the grief and anxiety I already feel.
I'm sure it will go away in time, but for now, I wake up each morning, acutely aware of the hurt in my heart, that causes the hurt in my chest.
The worst physical manifestation, though, is this weight I feel in my chest. It could be gas build up, or something else, but I think it is really just a symptom of the grief and anxiety I already feel.
I'm sure it will go away in time, but for now, I wake up each morning, acutely aware of the hurt in my heart, that causes the hurt in my chest.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
One Thing in our Favor
I have been torn for a while now about what to do when my husband leaves. My husband had said that when he left, he would get on the ship one day, and then they would pull out the next. Our youngest child isn't 2 yet, and I know she is going to have a hard time understanding what is going on. In my mind, I don't know that seeing the ship leave will be a good thing for her. She is already going to be confused. She won't be able to see her dad, talk to him touch him, etc. They can't go on ship with him when we drop him off. I have been concerned that she would get even more confused and upset when I point at a ship and tell her Daddy is somewhere on there, but can't do anything to make that concrete in her mind.
The oldest, however, would benefit by seeing him leave. A lot. I ask her if she wanted to see the ship pull out, and she said she did. I explained the whole bit about only seeing the ship, and not Daddy, and she said she still wanted to go.
It has been difficult to decide what to do.
Today, my husband was told that he would be flying onto the ship. This is something that works in our favor. We will be able to do a much better goodbye this way. They can take him to the squadron and drop him off. Then, we can come back right before they take off, and watch him. He will be able to wave to the girls, maybe even run over and hug them right before they go, and the little one will be able to make a very solid connection this time. This is definitely much, much better for us, and I am thankful for the things that work for us like this.
The oldest, however, would benefit by seeing him leave. A lot. I ask her if she wanted to see the ship pull out, and she said she did. I explained the whole bit about only seeing the ship, and not Daddy, and she said she still wanted to go.
It has been difficult to decide what to do.
Today, my husband was told that he would be flying onto the ship. This is something that works in our favor. We will be able to do a much better goodbye this way. They can take him to the squadron and drop him off. Then, we can come back right before they take off, and watch him. He will be able to wave to the girls, maybe even run over and hug them right before they go, and the little one will be able to make a very solid connection this time. This is definitely much, much better for us, and I am thankful for the things that work for us like this.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Reality sets in
I feel like I want to vomit.
My husband just called, and he has to be packed up, and have everything in to work by noon tomorrow.
I have known that this was coming. I have been tying to prepare myself, and my girls, but this makes it too real. In about 20 minutes, he is going to walk through the door, and start taking all the things that are a huge part of his everyday life, his alarm clock, his clothes, etc, and putting them in bags. I won't see those things, or him, again for months.
I makes my insides hurt. I am, of course, on the brink of tears. My heart feels like it is in my throat, and all of my organs are out of place.
This is one of the worst moments of the entire process. The other two are the last night he spends with us before leaving, and when we take him to leave.
Ok. Now, I have to calm my system, and take a deep breath before I peek at my girls. Game face, you know. Just a part of the process and all that.
I will keep telling my self that until we get through it all.
Of course, I won't post this entry for a few days. So, by the time you read this, he will likely be gone, and the tears will have come many times since.
My husband just called, and he has to be packed up, and have everything in to work by noon tomorrow.
I have known that this was coming. I have been tying to prepare myself, and my girls, but this makes it too real. In about 20 minutes, he is going to walk through the door, and start taking all the things that are a huge part of his everyday life, his alarm clock, his clothes, etc, and putting them in bags. I won't see those things, or him, again for months.
I makes my insides hurt. I am, of course, on the brink of tears. My heart feels like it is in my throat, and all of my organs are out of place.
This is one of the worst moments of the entire process. The other two are the last night he spends with us before leaving, and when we take him to leave.
Ok. Now, I have to calm my system, and take a deep breath before I peek at my girls. Game face, you know. Just a part of the process and all that.
I will keep telling my self that until we get through it all.
Of course, I won't post this entry for a few days. So, by the time you read this, he will likely be gone, and the tears will have come many times since.
So much to do
WE don't have long left before he goes, and still there is so much to do.
Last night, I was up very late working on invitations for a baby shower, and my husband ask me to make him a stencil for all of his belongings. I was up very late. It took ad few tries, and still it wasn't perfect, but I managed to make a couple of stencils with his name, rank, rate, and such for all of his belongings. We have the paint. Now, like for little kids, we have to go though and put his name on every thing, even his underwear. = )
WE still have a big list of things that also need to be done. Many more things that need to be bought.
Deployments are a huge burden in so many ways. I swear it is going to cost us a fortune to send him off. I know that part of our great cost lies in the fact that he hasn't deployed in a long time, and there fore hasn't kept a supply of all things needed. Still, though, it sucks to be spending so much right now.
As soon as I post this, I have to get back to the grind. In between washing clothes, and my normal house cleaning, I have to go though his wardrobe and find everything that fits into the kind of clothes (shirt with collars, slacks but not jeans, etc) he is allowed to take, and set them aside for him.
Phone calls to make, and even more after that.
So much to do, all to have the man I love walk out the door, against my wishes, for such a long time.
Last night, I was up very late working on invitations for a baby shower, and my husband ask me to make him a stencil for all of his belongings. I was up very late. It took ad few tries, and still it wasn't perfect, but I managed to make a couple of stencils with his name, rank, rate, and such for all of his belongings. We have the paint. Now, like for little kids, we have to go though and put his name on every thing, even his underwear. = )
WE still have a big list of things that also need to be done. Many more things that need to be bought.
Deployments are a huge burden in so many ways. I swear it is going to cost us a fortune to send him off. I know that part of our great cost lies in the fact that he hasn't deployed in a long time, and there fore hasn't kept a supply of all things needed. Still, though, it sucks to be spending so much right now.
As soon as I post this, I have to get back to the grind. In between washing clothes, and my normal house cleaning, I have to go though his wardrobe and find everything that fits into the kind of clothes (shirt with collars, slacks but not jeans, etc) he is allowed to take, and set them aside for him.
Phone calls to make, and even more after that.
So much to do, all to have the man I love walk out the door, against my wishes, for such a long time.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Last Hurrah
Last night I went out with some friends. I decided that I wanted just one night before my husband leaves where I can go out, and not worry about a baby sitter, or when I come home. I wanted to be able to drink if I chose to, and just feel free one more time. IT was just a bunch of girls, going out to have a good time, while one of them still could.
In fact, the more I thought about it, it kind of felt like a bachelorette party, but instead of getting married after, I am effectively going to become a single parent after. Not nearly as much fun afterward, but it is the same sort of thing.
WE had a great time. WE went to a really nice place in La Jolla. The restaurant was on the 11th floor of a hotel and the view looked over the water. WE went in time to see the sunset, which was beautiful. It was also happy hour, so we got some incredible, and I mean incredible food at a great price. I would love to go back one day. Maybe sometime after my husband comes home I can take him there on a date. That would be fantastic.
After dinner we went to a movie. Movies in general aren't my thing, but it was spontaneous and fun. The girls wanted to, and I agreed to go along with it. The movie didn't really matter. Just being with friends was all I cared about.
These are the same friends that I expect to lean on a lot during the next year or so of my life. I know that they will be there when I need them, and even when I don't. That's what real friends are for. I am thankful that they are in my life.
We had a great time. I look forward to more great times, even if it means that I will have to be home a little earlier, and plan my activities a little more. It will still be fun, and I will still be hanging with my girls.
In fact, the more I thought about it, it kind of felt like a bachelorette party, but instead of getting married after, I am effectively going to become a single parent after. Not nearly as much fun afterward, but it is the same sort of thing.
WE had a great time. WE went to a really nice place in La Jolla. The restaurant was on the 11th floor of a hotel and the view looked over the water. WE went in time to see the sunset, which was beautiful. It was also happy hour, so we got some incredible, and I mean incredible food at a great price. I would love to go back one day. Maybe sometime after my husband comes home I can take him there on a date. That would be fantastic.
After dinner we went to a movie. Movies in general aren't my thing, but it was spontaneous and fun. The girls wanted to, and I agreed to go along with it. The movie didn't really matter. Just being with friends was all I cared about.
These are the same friends that I expect to lean on a lot during the next year or so of my life. I know that they will be there when I need them, and even when I don't. That's what real friends are for. I am thankful that they are in my life.
We had a great time. I look forward to more great times, even if it means that I will have to be home a little earlier, and plan my activities a little more. It will still be fun, and I will still be hanging with my girls.
Friday, January 9, 2009
No more paperwork
Ahh...The time has come far, far too soon. My husband hasn't deployed in years, having been on shore duty. It is about to happen, though.
I was in the kitchen, filling out paper work, and I had to stop. I just couldn't look at the line about not to be opened except for an emergency any more. I know what emergencies they are referring to, and I don't want to prepare for them. I don't want to think about them. I don't want to call a friend in the morning, and ask her if I can put her name down, just in case. I know I have to, though.
It is all about going through the motions right now. The idea is to just answer the questions, without thinking about why they ask them. If you can do it, you can fill out the paper work. If not, you fill it out anyway, later on, and just let the tears stain the page. Either way, it has to be done.
I know it is really just a tiny, itty bitty thing to do, in the grand scheme of the deployment, but it is also the first tangible proof I have he is about to leave. That makes me sad. Sadder, really.
Arg. ok. Quit whining. It is just a piece of paper. Now, go on about your day (night).
I was in the kitchen, filling out paper work, and I had to stop. I just couldn't look at the line about not to be opened except for an emergency any more. I know what emergencies they are referring to, and I don't want to prepare for them. I don't want to think about them. I don't want to call a friend in the morning, and ask her if I can put her name down, just in case. I know I have to, though.
It is all about going through the motions right now. The idea is to just answer the questions, without thinking about why they ask them. If you can do it, you can fill out the paper work. If not, you fill it out anyway, later on, and just let the tears stain the page. Either way, it has to be done.
I know it is really just a tiny, itty bitty thing to do, in the grand scheme of the deployment, but it is also the first tangible proof I have he is about to leave. That makes me sad. Sadder, really.
Arg. ok. Quit whining. It is just a piece of paper. Now, go on about your day (night).
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