Emotionally, there are times when you just need your spouse. Right now I do, but I don't have him. There are far too many little things that keep popping up in my life, that make me want to pull my hair out. Not just that our little one isn't behaving well. It seems like every here I turn, something else is trying to drive me insane. My oldest daughter's school is a joke. I get so frustrated with them, and things that go on there. Today, I wanted to jump up and beat a mother down for the way she was acting toward her daughter, and our entire Girl Scout troop. My best friend has formally got engaged yesterday, and is getting married in 5 weeks. She wants me to come in and be her matron of honor, at great financial burden to our family. The friggin' headlight on my car went out. My husband's mom called to say his grandmother isn't doing well, and is in the hospital again. So much more, but you get the idea.
I need someone to hug me, and tell me we will get through it all, and things will be ok, but he isn't here. This is when it is hard. Were only a week in, and already, my stress level is ridiculous. It isn't as though we could have planned for this stuff. And it isn't as though her could magically fix things if he were here, but he would make me feel better.
I know we will get through it. I know we will all survive, but that doesn't make it any easier to be happy right now. I'll just have to settle for the fact that I know he is out there, somewhere, missing me as much as I miss him, and that he would do anything he could to make it better, if he were here. I know I am loved, no matter where he is...
Is it too cheesy to post this?
Right now, it helps me. I hope it helps someone else feel better, too.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
One Week Down!
WE made it through our first week! I am really excited to be able to measure the time in any increment larger than a day. Every little thing helps.
This past week has been both better and worse than expected. For the girls, it was also a mixed week. Lilly has done really well. She has done a lot better than I expected her to. She cries every now and then. Random things can make her cry. Sometimes, things that I expect her to start bawling over have no bearing on her tear ducts, though. It is good. We hug and I talk to her each time. She reads the emails that Daddy writes to just the girls with me. So, she is getting some communication with him. All in all, I think she is doing very well.
Ava, on the other hand, is as usual the complete opposite of her sister. Not only did her Dad just leave, but she happens to be hitting the terrible twos at the same time. Yeah for me. I knew we would have problems when he left. After all, she is absolutely a daddy's girl. However, I don't think I was prepared for just how bad some of it was going to get. The first 48 hours were trial by fire with her. We had 2 full on temper tantrums, complete with ear splitting screaming, body arching making it impossible to move her, kicking, and the whole bit. There were at least 2 full meals flipped onto the floor, and all over her in once case.
No matter what happened, though, we are through a week. That is an accomplishment. I am happy. I look forward to the point were we get to start counting months down, versus weeks.
This past week has been both better and worse than expected. For the girls, it was also a mixed week. Lilly has done really well. She has done a lot better than I expected her to. She cries every now and then. Random things can make her cry. Sometimes, things that I expect her to start bawling over have no bearing on her tear ducts, though. It is good. We hug and I talk to her each time. She reads the emails that Daddy writes to just the girls with me. So, she is getting some communication with him. All in all, I think she is doing very well.
Ava, on the other hand, is as usual the complete opposite of her sister. Not only did her Dad just leave, but she happens to be hitting the terrible twos at the same time. Yeah for me. I knew we would have problems when he left. After all, she is absolutely a daddy's girl. However, I don't think I was prepared for just how bad some of it was going to get. The first 48 hours were trial by fire with her. We had 2 full on temper tantrums, complete with ear splitting screaming, body arching making it impossible to move her, kicking, and the whole bit. There were at least 2 full meals flipped onto the floor, and all over her in once case.
No matter what happened, though, we are through a week. That is an accomplishment. I am happy. I look forward to the point were we get to start counting months down, versus weeks.
Monday, January 19, 2009
It will be better than this...
We aren't starting off well. I would generally consider myself to be a tough enough kinda chic. I can take care of my self, and my girls. However, things are gonna have to get a little better or I'm going to be taking care of us bald, having pulled all of my hair out.
I swear the moment he left, my girls have gone nuts. Well, the big one isn't too bad. In all honestly, she is being pretty good about things. A few random crying spells here and there, but nothing I can't handle.
The little one, though, is determined to send me to the nut house. In 24 hours, we have had 2 and a half meals sent straight to the ground. At least 2 major temper tantrums, the 2 year old ear splitting variety, complete with kicking and screaming, and a bout of dare devilness that nearly sent me over the edge.
In all honesty, if she doesn't get better, I don't know what I will do.
I think she will. I think and hope that she will start to adjust quickly. There will be some tough love in the process, but also lots and lots of regular love. I know she needs that, especially right now.
So, it will get better. It will. One day at a time. Sad, I already sound like I am in recovery, and she hasn't even pushed me there yet. ; )
I swear the moment he left, my girls have gone nuts. Well, the big one isn't too bad. In all honestly, she is being pretty good about things. A few random crying spells here and there, but nothing I can't handle.
The little one, though, is determined to send me to the nut house. In 24 hours, we have had 2 and a half meals sent straight to the ground. At least 2 major temper tantrums, the 2 year old ear splitting variety, complete with kicking and screaming, and a bout of dare devilness that nearly sent me over the edge.
In all honesty, if she doesn't get better, I don't know what I will do.
I think she will. I think and hope that she will start to adjust quickly. There will be some tough love in the process, but also lots and lots of regular love. I know she needs that, especially right now.
So, it will get better. It will. One day at a time. Sad, I already sound like I am in recovery, and she hasn't even pushed me there yet. ; )
Sunday, January 18, 2009
I got an email!
Yeah!!! We got an email from him already. His email address isn't working, but a friend let him use his account to send us a quick note. I am thrilled!!
It was just a little note to say hi, and tell us that he misses us. It tells me that he made it on ship ok, though, and that is something I needed to hear.
Now we have to wait for our first phone call! I could use that anytime.
It was just a little note to say hi, and tell us that he misses us. It tells me that he made it on ship ok, though, and that is something I needed to hear.
Now we have to wait for our first phone call! I could use that anytime.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
The Deed is Done
We just got home from seeing him off.
Man, was that hard. I mean, I knew it would be hard, I have done this before, but never with kids old enough to really show emotion. Our oldest is 5 1/2. She was very upset, and rightly so. The thing is, now I can't be the one upset. I have to be the one to hold her, and comfort her, when in reality, I need to be held and comforted. That is Chad's job, and he is gone.
So, here I sit, trying as hard as I can to hold it all in. I'll have to wait until tonight, when the girls are asleep, to really cry it out. Not to say that a few tears haven't escaped already, but they were well hidden, and quiet ones. Tonight won't be the same. I know there will be a few nights like tonight, where I cry until I just can't cry anymore. It is ok. It is part of the process.
Part of me wishes my friends were reading this blog, even though I didn't tell them about it. I hope they understand why I don't answer their calls, or read their emails for a day or so. I need to take time to let my walls build up. I need to detach myself from the hurt and loneliness. Until I do, I am a time bomb waiting to go off, and a sympathetic and caring ear would certainly light that fuse. So, in a day or so, I will tell them all I am fine. I will mean that.
It will be ok. I really will. I can make it. I can do this. I think I can, I think I can......
Man, was that hard. I mean, I knew it would be hard, I have done this before, but never with kids old enough to really show emotion. Our oldest is 5 1/2. She was very upset, and rightly so. The thing is, now I can't be the one upset. I have to be the one to hold her, and comfort her, when in reality, I need to be held and comforted. That is Chad's job, and he is gone.
So, here I sit, trying as hard as I can to hold it all in. I'll have to wait until tonight, when the girls are asleep, to really cry it out. Not to say that a few tears haven't escaped already, but they were well hidden, and quiet ones. Tonight won't be the same. I know there will be a few nights like tonight, where I cry until I just can't cry anymore. It is ok. It is part of the process.
Part of me wishes my friends were reading this blog, even though I didn't tell them about it. I hope they understand why I don't answer their calls, or read their emails for a day or so. I need to take time to let my walls build up. I need to detach myself from the hurt and loneliness. Until I do, I am a time bomb waiting to go off, and a sympathetic and caring ear would certainly light that fuse. So, in a day or so, I will tell them all I am fine. I will mean that.
It will be ok. I really will. I can make it. I can do this. I think I can, I think I can......
Friday, January 16, 2009
The Weight of It All
Deployment brings with it a long list of negatives. For me, as well as many others, that list includes anxiety, stress, and a bit of depression. The anxiety and stress are really starting to wear me down. In fact, they are beginning to have physical manifestations. Of course the first was the acne. It is terrible. I hate zits anyway, and now, it looks like I am farming them, with a great looking crop popping up for this season. = (
The worst physical manifestation, though, is this weight I feel in my chest. It could be gas build up, or something else, but I think it is really just a symptom of the grief and anxiety I already feel.
I'm sure it will go away in time, but for now, I wake up each morning, acutely aware of the hurt in my heart, that causes the hurt in my chest.
The worst physical manifestation, though, is this weight I feel in my chest. It could be gas build up, or something else, but I think it is really just a symptom of the grief and anxiety I already feel.
I'm sure it will go away in time, but for now, I wake up each morning, acutely aware of the hurt in my heart, that causes the hurt in my chest.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
One Thing in our Favor
I have been torn for a while now about what to do when my husband leaves. My husband had said that when he left, he would get on the ship one day, and then they would pull out the next. Our youngest child isn't 2 yet, and I know she is going to have a hard time understanding what is going on. In my mind, I don't know that seeing the ship leave will be a good thing for her. She is already going to be confused. She won't be able to see her dad, talk to him touch him, etc. They can't go on ship with him when we drop him off. I have been concerned that she would get even more confused and upset when I point at a ship and tell her Daddy is somewhere on there, but can't do anything to make that concrete in her mind.
The oldest, however, would benefit by seeing him leave. A lot. I ask her if she wanted to see the ship pull out, and she said she did. I explained the whole bit about only seeing the ship, and not Daddy, and she said she still wanted to go.
It has been difficult to decide what to do.
Today, my husband was told that he would be flying onto the ship. This is something that works in our favor. We will be able to do a much better goodbye this way. They can take him to the squadron and drop him off. Then, we can come back right before they take off, and watch him. He will be able to wave to the girls, maybe even run over and hug them right before they go, and the little one will be able to make a very solid connection this time. This is definitely much, much better for us, and I am thankful for the things that work for us like this.
The oldest, however, would benefit by seeing him leave. A lot. I ask her if she wanted to see the ship pull out, and she said she did. I explained the whole bit about only seeing the ship, and not Daddy, and she said she still wanted to go.
It has been difficult to decide what to do.
Today, my husband was told that he would be flying onto the ship. This is something that works in our favor. We will be able to do a much better goodbye this way. They can take him to the squadron and drop him off. Then, we can come back right before they take off, and watch him. He will be able to wave to the girls, maybe even run over and hug them right before they go, and the little one will be able to make a very solid connection this time. This is definitely much, much better for us, and I am thankful for the things that work for us like this.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Reality sets in
I feel like I want to vomit.
My husband just called, and he has to be packed up, and have everything in to work by noon tomorrow.
I have known that this was coming. I have been tying to prepare myself, and my girls, but this makes it too real. In about 20 minutes, he is going to walk through the door, and start taking all the things that are a huge part of his everyday life, his alarm clock, his clothes, etc, and putting them in bags. I won't see those things, or him, again for months.
I makes my insides hurt. I am, of course, on the brink of tears. My heart feels like it is in my throat, and all of my organs are out of place.
This is one of the worst moments of the entire process. The other two are the last night he spends with us before leaving, and when we take him to leave.
Ok. Now, I have to calm my system, and take a deep breath before I peek at my girls. Game face, you know. Just a part of the process and all that.
I will keep telling my self that until we get through it all.
Of course, I won't post this entry for a few days. So, by the time you read this, he will likely be gone, and the tears will have come many times since.
My husband just called, and he has to be packed up, and have everything in to work by noon tomorrow.
I have known that this was coming. I have been tying to prepare myself, and my girls, but this makes it too real. In about 20 minutes, he is going to walk through the door, and start taking all the things that are a huge part of his everyday life, his alarm clock, his clothes, etc, and putting them in bags. I won't see those things, or him, again for months.
I makes my insides hurt. I am, of course, on the brink of tears. My heart feels like it is in my throat, and all of my organs are out of place.
This is one of the worst moments of the entire process. The other two are the last night he spends with us before leaving, and when we take him to leave.
Ok. Now, I have to calm my system, and take a deep breath before I peek at my girls. Game face, you know. Just a part of the process and all that.
I will keep telling my self that until we get through it all.
Of course, I won't post this entry for a few days. So, by the time you read this, he will likely be gone, and the tears will have come many times since.
So much to do
WE don't have long left before he goes, and still there is so much to do.
Last night, I was up very late working on invitations for a baby shower, and my husband ask me to make him a stencil for all of his belongings. I was up very late. It took ad few tries, and still it wasn't perfect, but I managed to make a couple of stencils with his name, rank, rate, and such for all of his belongings. We have the paint. Now, like for little kids, we have to go though and put his name on every thing, even his underwear. = )
WE still have a big list of things that also need to be done. Many more things that need to be bought.
Deployments are a huge burden in so many ways. I swear it is going to cost us a fortune to send him off. I know that part of our great cost lies in the fact that he hasn't deployed in a long time, and there fore hasn't kept a supply of all things needed. Still, though, it sucks to be spending so much right now.
As soon as I post this, I have to get back to the grind. In between washing clothes, and my normal house cleaning, I have to go though his wardrobe and find everything that fits into the kind of clothes (shirt with collars, slacks but not jeans, etc) he is allowed to take, and set them aside for him.
Phone calls to make, and even more after that.
So much to do, all to have the man I love walk out the door, against my wishes, for such a long time.
Last night, I was up very late working on invitations for a baby shower, and my husband ask me to make him a stencil for all of his belongings. I was up very late. It took ad few tries, and still it wasn't perfect, but I managed to make a couple of stencils with his name, rank, rate, and such for all of his belongings. We have the paint. Now, like for little kids, we have to go though and put his name on every thing, even his underwear. = )
WE still have a big list of things that also need to be done. Many more things that need to be bought.
Deployments are a huge burden in so many ways. I swear it is going to cost us a fortune to send him off. I know that part of our great cost lies in the fact that he hasn't deployed in a long time, and there fore hasn't kept a supply of all things needed. Still, though, it sucks to be spending so much right now.
As soon as I post this, I have to get back to the grind. In between washing clothes, and my normal house cleaning, I have to go though his wardrobe and find everything that fits into the kind of clothes (shirt with collars, slacks but not jeans, etc) he is allowed to take, and set them aside for him.
Phone calls to make, and even more after that.
So much to do, all to have the man I love walk out the door, against my wishes, for such a long time.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Last Hurrah
Last night I went out with some friends. I decided that I wanted just one night before my husband leaves where I can go out, and not worry about a baby sitter, or when I come home. I wanted to be able to drink if I chose to, and just feel free one more time. IT was just a bunch of girls, going out to have a good time, while one of them still could.
In fact, the more I thought about it, it kind of felt like a bachelorette party, but instead of getting married after, I am effectively going to become a single parent after. Not nearly as much fun afterward, but it is the same sort of thing.
WE had a great time. WE went to a really nice place in La Jolla. The restaurant was on the 11th floor of a hotel and the view looked over the water. WE went in time to see the sunset, which was beautiful. It was also happy hour, so we got some incredible, and I mean incredible food at a great price. I would love to go back one day. Maybe sometime after my husband comes home I can take him there on a date. That would be fantastic.
After dinner we went to a movie. Movies in general aren't my thing, but it was spontaneous and fun. The girls wanted to, and I agreed to go along with it. The movie didn't really matter. Just being with friends was all I cared about.
These are the same friends that I expect to lean on a lot during the next year or so of my life. I know that they will be there when I need them, and even when I don't. That's what real friends are for. I am thankful that they are in my life.
We had a great time. I look forward to more great times, even if it means that I will have to be home a little earlier, and plan my activities a little more. It will still be fun, and I will still be hanging with my girls.
In fact, the more I thought about it, it kind of felt like a bachelorette party, but instead of getting married after, I am effectively going to become a single parent after. Not nearly as much fun afterward, but it is the same sort of thing.
WE had a great time. WE went to a really nice place in La Jolla. The restaurant was on the 11th floor of a hotel and the view looked over the water. WE went in time to see the sunset, which was beautiful. It was also happy hour, so we got some incredible, and I mean incredible food at a great price. I would love to go back one day. Maybe sometime after my husband comes home I can take him there on a date. That would be fantastic.
After dinner we went to a movie. Movies in general aren't my thing, but it was spontaneous and fun. The girls wanted to, and I agreed to go along with it. The movie didn't really matter. Just being with friends was all I cared about.
These are the same friends that I expect to lean on a lot during the next year or so of my life. I know that they will be there when I need them, and even when I don't. That's what real friends are for. I am thankful that they are in my life.
We had a great time. I look forward to more great times, even if it means that I will have to be home a little earlier, and plan my activities a little more. It will still be fun, and I will still be hanging with my girls.
Friday, January 9, 2009
No more paperwork
Ahh...The time has come far, far too soon. My husband hasn't deployed in years, having been on shore duty. It is about to happen, though.
I was in the kitchen, filling out paper work, and I had to stop. I just couldn't look at the line about not to be opened except for an emergency any more. I know what emergencies they are referring to, and I don't want to prepare for them. I don't want to think about them. I don't want to call a friend in the morning, and ask her if I can put her name down, just in case. I know I have to, though.
It is all about going through the motions right now. The idea is to just answer the questions, without thinking about why they ask them. If you can do it, you can fill out the paper work. If not, you fill it out anyway, later on, and just let the tears stain the page. Either way, it has to be done.
I know it is really just a tiny, itty bitty thing to do, in the grand scheme of the deployment, but it is also the first tangible proof I have he is about to leave. That makes me sad. Sadder, really.
Arg. ok. Quit whining. It is just a piece of paper. Now, go on about your day (night).
I was in the kitchen, filling out paper work, and I had to stop. I just couldn't look at the line about not to be opened except for an emergency any more. I know what emergencies they are referring to, and I don't want to prepare for them. I don't want to think about them. I don't want to call a friend in the morning, and ask her if I can put her name down, just in case. I know I have to, though.
It is all about going through the motions right now. The idea is to just answer the questions, without thinking about why they ask them. If you can do it, you can fill out the paper work. If not, you fill it out anyway, later on, and just let the tears stain the page. Either way, it has to be done.
I know it is really just a tiny, itty bitty thing to do, in the grand scheme of the deployment, but it is also the first tangible proof I have he is about to leave. That makes me sad. Sadder, really.
Arg. ok. Quit whining. It is just a piece of paper. Now, go on about your day (night).
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