The Deed is Done

We just got home from seeing him off.

Man, was that hard. I mean, I knew it would be hard, I have done this before, but never with kids old enough to really show emotion. Our oldest is 5 1/2. She was very upset, and rightly so. The thing is, now I can't be the one upset. I have to be the one to hold her, and comfort her, when in reality, I need to be held and comforted. That is Chad's job, and he is gone.
So, here I sit, trying as hard as I can to hold it all in. I'll have to wait until tonight, when the girls are asleep, to really cry it out. Not to say that a few tears haven't escaped already, but they were well hidden, and quiet ones. Tonight won't be the same. I know there will be a few nights like tonight, where I cry until I just can't cry anymore. It is ok. It is part of the process.

Part of me wishes my friends were reading this blog, even though I didn't tell them about it. I hope they understand why I don't answer their calls, or read their emails for a day or so. I need to take time to let my walls build up. I need to detach myself from the hurt and loneliness. Until I do, I am a time bomb waiting to go off, and a sympathetic and caring ear would certainly light that fuse. So, in a day or so, I will tell them all I am fine. I will mean that.
It will be ok. I really will. I can make it. I can do this. I think I can, I think I can......

One Thing in our Favor

I have been torn for a while now about what to do when my husband leaves. My husband had said that when he left, he would get on the ship one day, and then they would pull out the next. Our youngest child isn't 2 yet, and I know she is going to have a hard time understanding what is going on. In my mind, I don't know that seeing the ship leave will be a good thing for her. She is already going to be confused. She won't be able to see her dad, talk to him touch him, etc. They can't go on ship with him when we drop him off. I have been concerned that she would get even more confused and upset when I point at a ship and tell her Daddy is somewhere on there, but can't do anything to make that concrete in her mind.

The oldest, however, would benefit by seeing him leave. A lot. I ask her if she wanted to see the ship pull out, and she said she did. I explained the whole bit about only seeing the ship, and not Daddy, and she said she still wanted to go.
It has been difficult to decide what to do.

Today, my husband was told that he would be flying onto the ship. This is something that works in our favor. We will be able to do a much better goodbye this way. They can take him to the squadron and drop him off. Then, we can come back right before they take off, and watch him. He will be able to wave to the girls, maybe even run over and hug them right before they go, and the little one will be able to make a very solid connection this time. This is definitely much, much better for us, and I am thankful for the things that work for us like this.